DEPRESSION

DEPRESSION: being caught between deciding whether to choose LIFE or death. (This is different to clinical depression). In this state, I have spent 15-20 years actively mourning my unmet needs and lost childhood, blaming others for things unmet and lost while waiting for current and past needs to be met and found without actively seeking to meet and find them myself, or allowing others’ attempts at meeting and finding to take place. It’s a limbo, a stuck-ness, a self-inflicted purgatory where I have been the jailed and the jailor, bemoaning my fate while at the same time tightening the handcuffs, securing the bars. It took me this long to escape from the handcuffs and the bars because I spent so much time crying and thrashing, so much time screaming abuse and pleading with the jailor that I did not realise that I was the jailor and the jailed, which not only meant that my jailor self could release my jailed self, but that there were no bars and handcuffs to begin with.