EXPRESSING INDIVIDUALITY & SELF-HARM

I used to tell myself, and any party that showed concern, that I was tattooing and piercing visible parts of my body because I was different. I was not like everybody else. I didn’t want to, didn’t need to, get a job like everyone else where you wear a skirt and blouse and carry a briefcase.

I told myself that it didn’t matter if people stared; it didn’t matter if people shied away from me; it didn’t matter if people openly confronted me for looking like a Satanist, a freak.

In fact, my attitude was, “Fu*k them! If they can’t bother to get beneath the surface of my skin to see how amazing I am, then they can go to hell. In fact, my appearance is like a secret handshake. If you can’t see that it is symbolic of my difference, my bravery, my intelligence, my artistic-ness, then you’re not worth knowing.”

And it worked for a while. I found jobs where people were willing to accept the way I looked because of my skill. I kept the friends that knew and loved me for my uniqueness and intelligence.

After a decade of piercing and tattooing 80% of my visible skin, I am now without a job and can’t find one because of the way I look. And I have two friends. It was the friend thing that made me realise that I have pushed people away emotionally.

And then I realised that the way I look was simply a physical extension of that emotional pushing away. The piercing and tattooing was the ultimate way of alienating myself from everyone and everything in my life. I might as well have gone to live on an island.

So, what is wrong with piercing and tattooing? Absolutely nothing. It has to do with motive. And my motive was self-harm. Without acknowledging it, I KNEW, on some level, that tattooing and piercing myself where everyone could see it in the society that I live in, in the time that I live in, would only alienate and isolate me.

Yes, society is narrow-minded. Yes, people are judgemental. But what can I do to change that? Nothing. And in the face of this knowledge, I went and turned myself, knowingly – on some level – into that which society was the most narrow-minded and judgemental about!!!

In doing this, I have protected myself from other people. I have protected myself from intimacy and thus, from getting hurt. But, a decade later, I now realise that I have hurt myself far more than anyone or anything ever could or ever will. And I have to acknowledge that, own that, and try to remedy that.

I am not rich. I cannot go for tattoo removal. But tonight I have taken a step that I NEVER thought I would. I have taken out my visible piercings.

And does that make me less unique, less intelligent, less artistic? No. Does it make me more employable, less threatening to people I meet, more acceptable to society? Yes. And being more employable, less threatening, more acceptable is NOT about conforming; its not about agreeing with the narrow-mindedness. Its about being able to move more freely in a world where in order to live my best life I need to find a job; where I need to interact with people; where I need my friends.